I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize