census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Randomize
