You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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