I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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