just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
