if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
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