so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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