FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
