Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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