There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
