I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
