His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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