so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Well I just put wine in my tea
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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