just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
