I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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