someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Randomize
