Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
