I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
