i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize