six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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