Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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