You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
