So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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