you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
