Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
false alarm, still single
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize