My girlfriend figured out who you are.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
