I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
