o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
