i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
