Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
it's great music for shaving your balls
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
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