You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize