I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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