you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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