the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Randomize