She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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