I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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