I wish I could punch you in the face.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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