i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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