I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
