I just pynch a tree in the face
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
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