video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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