You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
