According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
