you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
he told me I talked like a deaf person
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
