this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
