Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
