so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
