Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
