you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Randomize