Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize