You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
