Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Everyone says I win the strip club
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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