: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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