Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
