Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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