He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
