Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
