Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
