He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I am midnight drunk by noon
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
