Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
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