Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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