Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
