she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
