i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
